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This diary isn't addressed to anyone in particular - there have been relatively thoughtful diaries expressing concerns about this or that in her record, and I'm sure the most cogent of those concerns will be addressed in the confirmation hearings.  But ultimately, I agree with Cenk Uygur that the problem with Elena Kagan is the same as that with Barack Obama: Neither is Cenk Uygur.  Or, speaking more generally, neither is you (whoever you happen to be).  You, the paragon of liberal virtue, repository of all knowledge and oracle of progressive political wisdom, have been impiously blasphemed again and again by the failure of the political establishment to do exactly what you would do in their place.

They have failed to act in their capacity - as defined by you - of being your personal agents in Washington, and instead acting as if they have minds of their own, and have to represent other people as well.  It's almost as if they believe they're human beings in a society of other human beings, trying to do a job with many interlocking and occasionally interfering responsibilities.  Where do they get such crazy ideas?  

A President of the United States who went to Harvard Law School on his own merit and taught law at the University of Chicago must be off his rocker to think he knows the difference between a good potential Supreme Court Justice and just some random person wandering the halls of the Justice Department.  I mean, sure he might get lucky and accidentally nominate the right person - hopefully you, or someone who is exactly like you - but more likely than not, he would nominate someone who at some time said something you disagree with: A grievous offense against all that is righteous and holy - aka, you.

bowing

Government would work better if everyone else just did what you told them.  Not a dictatorship, of course - that would be like if someone other than you were in charge.  But a healthy representative democracy, where you personally choose who goes to Washington, and closely monitor and direct their every word and movement minute-by-minute lest they start making decisions autonomously like a human being entrusted with responsibilities.  

At some point you've probably considered going to Washington yourself, but since the crass mob wouldn't immediately recognize your awesome abilities, you would be forced to engage in all kinds of icky work and make compromises with all kinds of people who aren't you.  They would tarnish the glowing, incandescent purity of your immaculate soul with their dirty failure to be you, and blasphemous pretenses at intellectual and moral equality with you.  But because the Natural Order - other people following your instructions to the letter - has been hideously corrupted by the forces of darkness, you are denied your rightful place as Helmsman of Civilization, and must debase yourself by delegating.

What's even worse, you don't even directly choose certain government positions - e.g., Supreme Court Justices - but rather have to rely on the secondary judgment of elected representatives.  People chosen for positions like this are even more grossly tainted by their failure to convincingly pretend to be you, which is their paramount moral duty.  They are ripe with the unholy tincture of resulting from a process of deliberation and consultation among several people who are not you rather than the shining wholesomeness of something sprung entirely from your whimsy.

And we all know what it's called when someone who's smarter than you and who has been entrusted with authority by a multitude of people makes a decision that you don't understand or don't agree with: Elitism.  It's everywhere these days.  Engineers building stuff without you knowing how; scientists developing theories you don't understand; people working together and producing results that aren't 100% in alignment with your divine imagination.  The world is being overrun by stuff you didn't approve - a portent foretold in the third stanza of Revelations 24:2(c), paragraph H:

Behold!  The Lord opened the 8th Seal, and there did arise in the world people who are not Thee, and they did make a mockery of Thee by doing stuff without thine express, written permission for every one of their blasphemous footsteps and eyeblinks.  Soon after, the world ended, for it was sinful, and the Lord made a new one out of a hair plucked from Thy angelic head.

There's no need to know anything about Elena Kagan, talk to her, or watch the confirmation hearings, because you already know the crucial piece of information: At some point, she said things you disagree with.  No need for clarification, elaboration, or discussion.  She is not you, and the proof of that fact is definitive.  All other factors aside, she's terribly lacking in the Youness department.  There are several other potential nominees who are far more You-y than Kagan.  She's not an Anti-You, like Bush appointed, but hey, don't elections have consequences?  Shouldn't we be putting more Yous on the Supreme Court, rather than these compromises who are people that aren't You?

With a landslide election in 2008 favoring the candidates You supported, one would think that the government and the courts would be flooded with You instead of all these other people, but noooooooo.  Let's examine President Obama's nomination record:

Vice-President: Not You
First Supreme Court Nominee: Not You
Attorney General: Not You
Solicitor General: Not You
Secretary of Agriculture: Not You
Secretary of Defense: Not You
Secretary of The Treasury: Not You
Secretary of Transportation: Not You
Secretary of The Interior: Not You
Secretary of Homeland Security: Not You
Secretary of Education: Not You
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Not You
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Not You
Secretary of State: Not You
Secretary of Commerce: Not You
EPA Administrator: Not You

Is it any wonder that his second Supreme Court nominee would also not be You?  This President clearly has a bias against You.  He has an anti-You agenda, because he is either You or against You.  He has completely failed to fulfill the campaign promises You think he should have made instead of the ones he actually did.  I really feel for Your suffering, the way people keep shoving it in your face that they exist and are not just meat puppets of your imagination.  

But my sympathy isn't just passive - I want to start a university dedicated to the study of You, so that future generations can aspire to a higher degree of Youness.  I will call it Youniversity, and put a great big 100-foot-tall statue of You in the courtyard.  The students will wear Youniforms and perfect the art of You-itude.  Some day the world will be nothing but You.  You may say I'm dreamer, but I'm not the only one...

Update: Danke for the Reccage.  I salute you with all five major appendages.

Originally posted to Troubadour on Wed May 12, 2010 at 10:36 AM PDT.

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Who would be a better nominee than Elena Kagan?

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